I wrote recently of my trouble with dating. I mentioned that I often feel unseen. It happens more and more. It started to make me wonder am I distinguishable at all? Do I naturally drive others away? I know for a fact I’m not a magnetic person. Nobody flocks to my side. Is it the age we live in? Is everyone troubled. I would love to just have a conversation with people. Express Ideas. Build bonds, as difficult as that is for me (autism) I would still like to try, and try hard. It’s as if the world has become more autistic than I am. I am trying to build, adapt and be a sociable being. This is what I’m building myself toward, yet no one seems to want to participate. Everyone is getting farther and farther away. I see people who are lost in the meaningless bullshit that has no real relevance in life. LIFE. Allowing themselves to be distracted by facades, and ads, and spectacles that are without substance. Everyone is looking at the hole in the doughnut of life instead of at the doughnut itself. We revolve around the void. We are not of the void. I’m trying to engage with Life but Life seems to be consistently withdrawing. I can’t get the attention of anyone I try to engage with. I’m going out of my way to build bridges no one wants to cross. Needless to say, but of course I will, I am frustrated and confused. Is it profitable in any personal measure to try and engage anymore with my fellow human beings?
I keep thinking about plot and what to write about next. My first novel ‘The Thief Romero’ was supposed to be the first in a series, but I have little enthusiasm to write the sequel to a book no one read.
As well, I have had a desire to escape genre of the usual norm and try to express myself in an artistic way. Could this blog be it? A blog riddled with rants of loneliness, despair, suicidal ideation with brief reprieves into some semblance of positivity? Sure, I suppose. Feel free to tell me what you think. I will continue to blog and ponder this concept.–Peace.
Since back on medication I am calmer and more adverse to anxiety and stresses. Pretty damned resilient. However, I’ve been flat emotionally for most of it all too. Aside from mild aggravation at the thought of Trump winning I find myself like some somnambulist going around without no serious or interesting purpose. Can’t say it’s been a bad day. I find myself suddenly preferring this zen’d out version of me. I can’t live any other way. I would pull my hair out. Still, it makes it hard to proceed with haste while in this state. Haste to what, though? I’ve lived in haste. Melted down multiple times because of it. I guess I’m learning to let Life happen to me. I can’t seem to control any of it. There is nothing to be done. Nothing I haven’t tried before. A lady is what I need. Too incompetent and restrained by my defects [High Functioning Autism] to do anything about it. I got a yen for travel. Maybe I should spend the next decade saving my chump change for a trip. A job is still not forth coming. I am not visible to The Masses. I’m a stealth creature. I fog minds. No one can recollect me. I guess I’m done with this meandering blog. I will probably be up late watching the walls. No thoughts will enter my mind. I’ve already thought of everything there is for me to think of.
Andre The Android, out!