My blood was drawn today, vial after vial for testing. How often to see with your own eyes confirmation of the walking bag of gore we are. My mood though has been good. The good properties of my ‘New Path’ has still invigorated me. Tea times and teachings from the Buddha. I still have not kicked my pill habit. I have cut the Prozac by half. One instead of two, but the Xanax is a bit more troublesome. It’s as if my body can determine that I am specifically going to take just the one and the anxiety butterfly starts up in the chest and things constrict slowly over the passing few hours. Sometimes a headache with it. I’ve just took one and am seeing how long if and or when I’ll break.
The Five Aggregates or Skandha:
The Five Aggregates. There is no ‘Self’. There is only the moment. I am grateful for my recent good moments. I awoke with total physical relaxation and warmth. I hope for more as I continue on my path. That being said, the darker aspects, the destructive and doom-gloom maniac machine in me rears it’s bestial head from time to time.
I can, however, easily push it back down and away. Refocus on my present and the continual readings of ‘The Way’, are of enormous help to me. I still am dealing with the familiar problems of being an out-of-work-autistic who has still been unable to develop any meaningful relationships. The future is not even a vague outline to me. I don’t ever think of the past either. Bar scenes. Walks. Online web dating. I seem to be unable to get any reaction wherever I try. I’ve given a girl my phone number recently, only because SHE asked ME while we were chatting at the bar, but I’ve heard nary a word. Was is it about me? There is no me? I have uncovered this trend of my getting a woman’s interest but find abruptly that they want no further contact with me. I seem to come across like a great idea, but my absence suddenly seems the better. I’m no great flirt, but I can tell reasonably that I am carrying myself well. What is it? Usually, this where The Beast rears up and wants to spin me off into paranoia and frightful thoughts of my being cursed to be alone forever. The wolf does a scary chasing its tail run and usually I’d let myself be carried away by the rage and bitter brooding thoughts so easily brewin within. However, I give a Love and Peace to all who read this, or who are hearing this being read.
❤ ❤ ❤