I tried to wait. The plan was that I would wait until you died until I killed myself so as to spare you grief, but I am in too much grief myself to keep going. Every day is the same. Nothing in my life changes. I can’t get a job. I can’t make friends . I can’t meet a girl. I am bored constantly and cannot relate to anyone. I am tired of waking up and it never ending. The constant pain of being myself. My anger is never ending. The depression only goes into a dull thud. I just don’t want to feel it anymore. I hate myself. I don’t feel close to anyone. I am always lonely and everything that is easy for others is complicated for me. I would not be able to live on my own soon after you died of old age. You know well that I don’t have the tools to make it on my own. I will not spend my life in an institution. It would be worse than spending it in a basement my entire life. I just don’t know why things are the way they are. I thought I could be a writer but it just didn’t happen. I don’t know what to do. I can’t escape myself. Hopefully, through death I can be away from myself forever. Never having to worry about anything again. Sorry I couldn’t wait. Lie to the family. Tell them I loved them even though I don’t care about them at all. Don’t think you failed me. I failed myself. I am a terrible person. I dislike most everyone and others I just don’t care about. Live the rest of your days knowing that I am on another journey that’s probably better than this one. I’ll see you when you pass on in the city of Brahman where we will have a joyous reunion.
I love you. Your son,