I’m finally back on my Xanax and am feeling close to normal. That busy bee of anxiety in my chest is gone. My sleep is back to being relaxed. This Wednesday I went out to socialize but I only managed to get drunk and forget most of who I was talking to and what about. I will probably make another attempt later tonight. I will not drink, however since I am back on medication. I’m going to a Halloween type get together and my mask will be my mask of normalcy. Maybe. I’m tired of hiding my aspie self. I probably won’t go out. I’ll flake out and be depressed that I didn’t. I was supposed to meet a friend at the meetup at the bar this wednesday but they didn’t show up, just as they always never do. I doubt people really want to be friends. Not in real life. I should just give up on that stupid fantasy. I am meant to watch as an outsider. I will never be in Life. What value is in that? Is there some advantage? I can’t find it. I want to cut my face off and feel and see the bone underneath so I can confirm my alleged humanity. See the blood rushing through the vessels. Sometimes I am sure I am a robot. Maybe even an alien. I have nothing in common with these loud, breeding, mass of clowns and fools. Send me to the moon to do some mining. Send me to Mars. Send me anywhere where I don’t have to confront my otherness. Every mirror I look in is a freak carnival one.