So it has been a good while since I last post to you the reader/s. I suppose that is a good thing as my posts are facilitated by distressing feelings, anxiety and or depression. I write to you now out of a confusion that I have been feeling awhile. When the medicine works and the depression ceases and the anxiety is largely gone I seem to get a bit lost. That is how it feels. They are my strongest feelings. My familiar states. The meds just help me lose myself. I think my core is sadness, isolation and rage. It is hard to know who I am really or what I want without the contrasting power of my pain. I miss my pain at the moment. At least when I was on the verge I knew who and what I was. Now, I realize I am lost in my mask of normalcy. I am rigged with alarms that activate in me without my consent the hollow displays of a sociable personality. A personality that does not exist. I sleep a lot. I am saving for a car and wonder how I will utilize it. Go to bars? Drink, sure. Socialize? How? It’s all a ruse that I am getting tired of performing. I find myself walking around with a smile on my face that has no business being there. I look inside me and find nothing but want for things I can’t have. I will never be close to anyone the way others are. Outlier. Fringe dweller. Derelict. My getting this car is a step toward a mirage. I know it. I knew it the moment I began to set aside money for it. It’s a physical representation of an escape I desperately seek out. Where would I go? I have to find myself again. I have ceased my med taking. I have to say that I am waiting for the pain to return to me. So I can feel myself. So I can see clearly what is I am and what I need.