Why did I just go out and buy a pack of cigarettes? Why did I smoke one? Why did I do the same Friday night and then Sunday that just passed? I will take the pack and destroy each cig and tell myself never again. I sense a need in me for some penalty. Maybe It’s, along with my still not being able to quit drinking, a manifestation of self loathing. I can discern no answer in my eyes when I look in the mirror and ask myself, “Why?” I can do this. Yet there was no great temptation to drink or to smoke. Like I have somebody else inside who made the decision for me and it went on and happened. These poison rituals cannot stand. Pesticides are in cigarettes. I knew this before. Life is so hard to live without proper tools. I will not do drink or smoke ever again. This post is a contract with something else. Something in me that didn’t approve. Myself then, I guess. Some part of myself that thinks there is a good reason to be healthy and the best me possible. Find the thing in me that is trying to bring me low and put it down somehow before it does it to me. I weight lifted this afternoon. Felt good about it. I smoked. I did not feel good about it. There was nothing satisfying about it. Or my drinking. I will stop.I have to. I will. I can.