I have in my possession a carton of cigarettes that I have been imbibing in. When I was younger I missed out on the whole experimenting with the smoking thing. I find that it is not awful. I even like the ritual of going out in the night and lighting one up. Smoking and pondering. Of course when the pack is done, I do plan on not resuming such an unhealthy activity. Sometimes it seems like I’m going through some second adolescence. I feel that sometimes. I was such a good boy. Not very healthy as I had health issues growing up but still well off. I feel I owed it to myself to have a joint and a smoke of cigs. The beer is an issue I have got to kick and I will, at least for the forseeable couple of weeks. I seem to be trying to do everything. Catching up as a human. Knowingly making mistakes. The restrictions of the obedient aspie robot, the droid is sometimes too much. After this post I will flush my beer and toss at least most of the smokes. I find I have no compulsion to them. They will be easy to beat. Then I will once again enter the pure state of my life. Straight prescribed dope and exercise. As for today I was teetering again between depression and anxiety. Odd the things that set you off. For me it was a flash of long bare limbs and the affection between a man and a woman.My jealousy at never attaining that place. Put me into a bit of a frenzy. I swear I spent most of my day staring at the ceiling trying to figure out what in the hell i am going to do next. The need to flee and where all over me. Go where? With who? Anyone, anywhere feel me on this? I’ve got to keep writing. i have write a book. Here it is below. Feel free to plug or not.
Good bye beer. This is the last time I will abide you!