I tried to wait. The plan was that I would wait until you died until I killed myself so as to spare you grief, but I am in too much grief myself to keep going. Every day is the same. Nothing in my life changes. I can’t get a job. I can’t make friends . I can’t meet a girl. I am bored constantly and cannot relate to anyone. I am tired of waking up and it never ending. The constant pain of being myself. My anger is never ending. The depression only goes into a dull thud. I just don’t want to feel it anymore. I hate myself. I don’t feel close to anyone. I am always lonely and everything that is easy for others is complicated for me. I would not be able to live on my own soon after you died of old age. You know well that I don’t have the tools to make it on my own. I will not spend my life in an institution. It would be worse than spending it in a basement my entire life. I just don’t know why things are the way they are. I thought I could be a writer but it just didn’t happen. I don’t know what to do. I can’t escape myself. Hopefully, through death I can be away from myself forever. Never having to worry about anything again. Sorry I couldn’t wait. Lie to the family. Tell them I loved them even though I don’t care about them at all. Don’t think you failed me. I failed myself. I am a terrible person. I dislike most everyone and others I just don’t care about. Live the rest of your days knowing that I am on another journey that’s probably better than this one. I’ll see you when you pass on in the city of Brahman where we will have a joyous reunion.
I love you. Your son,
I have made the decision after mulling on it for a few days that in order to practice successfully the Right Speech aspect of the Noble Eight-Fold Path that it would do some good to take a vow of silence. I think this would limit negative speech in me. Make me better at listening. So today is my first day. I will update this blog on my progress. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. I am not typically vocal anyway so I don’t expect anyone to notice off the bat anything unusual. I woke today filled with negative energy. Bad thoughts. Bad feelings. Cravings, desires. The surface of my consciousness, murky and fogged with toxins of the (s)elf. I meditated and breathed mindfully and the surface has a little more shine on it. The (S)elf is reflecting some light out now. I will also write about my practice, overall, of the Eight-fold Path. I am in serious danger. I am a danger to myself if I don’t still the toxins in me.
Note from the city of Brahman.
I have to fill my schedule. Getting my face scene is a priority. Get myself a part of communities. No other work is required. No other function need I serve. The key is to just be there. Being present is the thing. I have received instruction from Brahman that I am to attend Sunday service with a sangha. I will partake of the service. That is the instructions and I will follow them. I will find other functions. I must be seen. I must listen to Brahman. He instructs me from the lotus of my heart. From the city of Brahman, where I will return one day. I must continue my meditation. I must continue my mindful breathing. Brahman will tell me what to do. He is not poisoned by my thoughts and feelings. He is of ‘pristine cognition.’ He will show me the path.
I wrote recently of my trouble with dating. I mentioned that I often feel unseen. It happens more and more. It started to make me wonder am I distinguishable at all? Do I naturally drive others away? I know for a fact I’m not a magnetic person. Nobody flocks to my side. Is it the age we live in? Is everyone troubled. I would love to just have a conversation with people. Express Ideas. Build bonds, as difficult as that is for me (autism) I would still like to try, and try hard. It’s as if the world has become more autistic than I am. I am trying to build, adapt and be a sociable being. This is what I’m building myself toward, yet no one seems to want to participate. Everyone is getting farther and farther away. I see people who are lost in the meaningless bullshit that has no real relevance in life. LIFE. Allowing themselves to be distracted by facades, and ads, and spectacles that are without substance. Everyone is looking at the hole in the doughnut of life instead of at the doughnut itself. We revolve around the void. We are not of the void. I’m trying to engage with Life but Life seems to be consistently withdrawing. I can’t get the attention of anyone I try to engage with. I’m going out of my way to build bridges no one wants to cross. Needless to say, but of course I will, I am frustrated and confused. Is it profitable in any personal measure to try and engage anymore with my fellow human beings?
My blood was drawn today, vial after vial for testing. How often to see with your own eyes confirmation of the walking bag of gore we are. My mood though has been good. The good properties of my ‘New Path’ has still invigorated me. Tea times and teachings from the Buddha. I still have not kicked my pill habit. I have cut the Prozac by half. One instead of two, but the Xanax is a bit more troublesome. It’s as if my body can determine that I am specifically going to take just the one and the anxiety butterfly starts up in the chest and things constrict slowly over the passing few hours. Sometimes a headache with it. I’ve just took one and am seeing how long if and or when I’ll break.
The Five Aggregates or Skandha:
The Five Aggregates. There is no ‘Self’. There is only the moment. I am grateful for my recent good moments. I awoke with total physical relaxation and warmth. I hope for more as I continue on my path. That being said, the darker aspects, the destructive and doom-gloom maniac machine in me rears it’s bestial head from time to time.
I can, however, easily push it back down and away. Refocus on my present and the continual readings of ‘The Way’, are of enormous help to me. I still am dealing with the familiar problems of being an out-of-work-autistic who has still been unable to develop any meaningful relationships. The future is not even a vague outline to me. I don’t ever think of the past either. Bar scenes. Walks. Online web dating. I seem to be unable to get any reaction wherever I try. I’ve given a girl my phone number recently, only because SHE asked ME while we were chatting at the bar, but I’ve heard nary a word. Was is it about me? There is no me? I have uncovered this trend of my getting a woman’s interest but find abruptly that they want no further contact with me. I seem to come across like a great idea, but my absence suddenly seems the better. I’m no great flirt, but I can tell reasonably that I am carrying myself well. What is it? Usually, this where The Beast rears up and wants to spin me off into paranoia and frightful thoughts of my being cursed to be alone forever. The wolf does a scary chasing its tail run and usually I’d let myself be carried away by the rage and bitter brooding thoughts so easily brewin within. However, I give a Love and Peace to all who read this, or who are hearing this being read.
❤ ❤ ❤
I keep thinking about plot and what to write about next. My first novel ‘The Thief Romero’ was supposed to be the first in a series, but I have little enthusiasm to write the sequel to a book no one read.
As well, I have had a desire to escape genre of the usual norm and try to express myself in an artistic way. Could this blog be it? A blog riddled with rants of loneliness, despair, suicidal ideation with brief reprieves into some semblance of positivity? Sure, I suppose. Feel free to tell me what you think. I will continue to blog and ponder this concept.–Peace.
In the past weeks since contemplating once again on my life and death, and my difficulty on seeing the lighter side of the world, the ups and the downs and my predisposition toward suicidal thoughts I have been doing very well under a strict medicinal time frame. Taking iron supplements also to avoid the malaise which confuses me as to the source of my suffering. Still I have found the continual need for further improvement and in doing so I have begun delving intently into the world of Buddhism.
I believe strongly now that this might be the path for me.The words of the Buddha have impressed me. His teachings. Already I am feeling a dawning freedom, a liberation. As with my adjusting into Buddhism I have begun the practice of nightly tea drinking. It is such a peaceful event every night. I drink the wonderful, calming and soothing chamomile tea. In some ways it is just as good as my Xanax. Speaking of Xanax, I have begun the slow and steady process of weaning myself off all my mood altering meds i.e. SSRI’s.
I want a chance to be the real me and live in that flesh again. Feel naturally as I can in all the parts of my ‘Body’. Suicide is not an option. Moods turn. Turning more so. I will keep you up to date on my learning of the ways of Buddhism, as I try to walk the path of enlightenment. Enlightenment! What a proper word. No longer will I be hostage to the dark forces at work in and out of me. I love you all and wish peace and prosperity to all of Mankind! ❤